Page in my diary
Orlando Nightclub Shooting:
I am beginning this post by saying that my words may not be clear. They may not convey the sadness that is in my heart and mind. These words are my way of venting about the events of this past weekend, here in Orlando. I am saddened by the sickening events that transpired in my city. The hardest part about this is the fact that on many occasions I had been to that club with friends. I have passed by that club on many occasions. I am a victim of that club. By victim, I mean I am a victim of the fun nights there. I am a victim to dances with friends, I am a victim to the happy memories that Pulse allowed many people.
I think the common misconception that people seeing the news are thinking is, "everyone who went to that club was gay." Here's the truth:
There are and were clubgoers there that weren't gay. At gay clubs, there are often nights that are "college nights" or people who go to have fun. Many times, I have seen girls there on their bachelorette night just looking to have fun; many people go there for the atmosphere or to dance not be hit on by annoying creepy men. The music played at these clubs are often times more dancy and beat-ridden. You enter these clubs feeling like you're already in for a good night.
If you look at the videos of the club before the incident, the people were dancing, enjoying their lives, not disturbing anyone. I'm having a hard time fully understanding the events of this weekend. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand the mind of a serial killer. Maybe my mind can't quite bend that way because he has a sick and hate-ridden mind. I guess I won't ever understand such terrible acts of violence. I need to be okay with that.
Another thing that I am not quite grasping is people who are still saying, "I am praying for Orlando," but in the same breath they are saying, "I don't agree with the lifestyle gay people are living." Listen here folks, it's not for you or I to agree with. It's not for us to understand, it's not for anyone to say anything really. For those of you who think being gay is a choice, I cannot change your mind, nor will I try. Just know that I cannot fathom someone choosing this lifestyle. I cannot imagine someone choosing to be hated and spoken to as if they are less than human.
My heart is heavy. Very heavy. As a resident of Orlando, I'm scared for my life. I am scared for the terrorists out there that have tried to take away our happiness. I'm scared for the politicians that are fighting about issues that barely skim the surface of the problems we have in America. I'm scared to live a life being a black woman in America. I'm scared for the underlying hate that is in people's hearts and what they will do one day when they crack. I'm scared to watch the NBA Finals tonight at a bar, though I love the atmosphere that it provides. Normal things that I would do throughout the day are being second guessed.
I can assure you that I will not be at a club anytime soon. I can't even feel angry, I just feel a sadness set so deeply in my heart. How can I live my life as an American citizen, the place that I was born in, to just feel unsafe and nervous? My parents moved out of a third-world country to allow me the safety that wasn't provided in the streets of Jamaica. Here I am, in the streets of Orlando, which just recently has as much uncertainty and crime.
Those who know me, I am a STRONG believer of Christ. My fellow believers have said to me, that I have to pick to one. I have to choose between the word of God or the ways of the world. I don't understand how embracing those who are different from me, in any manner, is supporting "the ways of the world." I don't understand how us as believers can't love thy neighbor, just the way they are, but preach to them that they will not enter the gates of heaven. There is so much that I don't understand really. And I will admit to those things that I don't understand, why can't us as Christians say we can't understand things? Why do we condemn the ones next to us for their "sins?" Why do we think that we have the right to point out the sins of the ones around us. These are just some of the questions that I cannot seem to comprehend.
I know I'm ranting, I know I've said a lot. But the pain is embedded in my thinking today. The pain is embedded in my heart, my mind, even my soul. I was so naive in thinking, "they won't come to Florida and hurt us. They won't come close to my city." They did. When the Christina Grimmie shooting happened, though I was not a fan, my heart hurt for her family. My heart hurt for her brother who had to witness his sister die as he dove for the shooter. But then, I woke up for church Sunday morning with the excruciating news of another club in my city being gunned down. A place that I can remember its model and imagined running from room to room trying to escape to an exit as a shooter neared. It hit too close to home. It really did. I couldn't imagine calling or texting my mom from the location as she was hours away with no way to help. I cannot imagine my family waiting to hear if my name was on the list of clubgoers who didn't make it. I don't want to imagine it, because that is not something I want to experience.
Because of that, again I do not think I will be going to a club for a long while. I had already stopped going out as frequently because frankly, I'm growing up and it's not really my scene anymore. But once in a while, I would get a text from a friend and head out to wherever they suggested. My friend went out of town this weekend, but had they not, we probably would have been there and that realization scares me.
I can't stop thinking of the conditions that were probably faced in the nightclub that night. A dark place, inhibiting you from seeing everything completely. Music blasting, partially blocking out the first couple shots that rang out. People probably tipsy and drunk, not quite thinking as clear as normal. Mounds of bodies running towards the exit, fighting for their lives, but not making it. I have pushed the imagery out of my mind countless times, especially at night before I sleep. I keep trying to not make this a reality. But, when I opened my eyes this morning, my heart was just as heavy. Driving around, it was weird to see cars on the road, going about their lives. I felt like Orlando should just stop, the hustle and bustle should be in pause-mode, like your favorite video game. It was just weird to think that the world around us is still going on, with this tragedy only a day or two behind us.
I cannot give blood due to low iron, but instead I chose yesterday to donate supplies and food to the blood banks surrounding me. I cannot even drive downtown for fear, fear of seeing the yellow caution tape blocking off the streets where the events happened. I have had trouble leaving the house, other than church and donation banks, I have not been able to live a normal life. It hit too close to home, that's all I keep saying.
It hit way too close to home.
I send my deepest condelences to those who lost friends and family.
