Excerpt from My Book:
Often times, her therapist and her would spend half the session just speaking about how much he meant to her. Many of the thoughts she had of shame, were because she felt like she had let Shaun down more than anything. She regretted the times that they had lost their connection, when she was sucked up in Tim and the “love” she had for him. Shaun never questioned her about Tim, but she knew that he wanted to know where she met him and why she never told him about the guy. She thought back to when she met him, she was in a vulnerable spot. Just like Shaun hated following in all his sister’s footsteps, she did too. Maybe that’s why they got along so well, but the only difference is she really did try to match up to her sisters. She had finished college in two years; she was just tired of the perfection that was expected of her.
She had been itching to do something bad for once; to go out, or to drink, or just get out of her brain for one second. She contacted some old people from her high school that lived near her neighborhood; she knew they weren’t the best crowd to hang out with, but she had no friends. A few nights out with them was out of her element, but she finally felt free. She finally felt like she didn't have to impress anyone. Little did she know, she was going to get herself into a lot of trouble, dragging her baby brother down with her. A few drinks turned into a few blunts and before she knew it she was out almost every night. She never really had to answer to anyone since her parents’ business was shooting off and they were never home. Shaun worked after school and most times when he came home from work, he was too tired to do the old things they loved. She quickly started meeting new people and the bad crowd she hung with grew.
One night her friends and her decided to go out clubbing. She waited until Shaun came home from work, heavy-eyed and tired, before she snuck out the house in the skimpiest outfit she could find. They decided to drink at her friend, Nadine’s house before they went out. After only a few minutes there, she could sense herself getting hot and her eyesight began to get a little hazy. They finally hit the town close to midnight and she knew she was going to dance all night. When they arrived at Club Impact, Yvonne took advantage of the free drinks that were being offered by the guys that were interested in her. She was feeling good, she was feeling free, she was feeling…
And that is when she saw him. A tall dark skinned guy, perfect white teeth, and a killer style. He was the only one in the whole entire club that wasn't wearing baggy clothes and rubbing up on girls. He had a short fade haircut and his simple style had her intrigued. He had on a dark gray Polo shirt, slim pants, and gray Vans. Nadine caught her line of vision and quickly spoke up, “That’s “T.” I don’t know his real name, but he’s a cool dude. His little brother goes to Palm Crest, want me to introduce y’all?” Nadine was a pretty Indian-black girl with long black silk-like hair. She could probably get any guy she wanted herself, but she had been dating a guy in the neighborhood who was into gangs and as far as everyone was concerned, she was obsessed with him.
Yvonne shook her head, she never really had talked to guys in his league. Her head was always in her books and any guys she met normally were the kind of boys that carried a pencil sharpener in their bags and a pocket protector. Nadine grabbed her hand and pulled her through the dance floor, right in front of him. He looked down from his beer and smiled. “Hey ladies,” he said over the loud music. His deep voice rumbled through her body and she could feel every part of her body stop working. Nadine nudged her in the rib-cage, but all Yvonne could do was smile.
“Hey! T, right?” Nadine said, picking up the slack.
“Yea,” was all he said. Short, sweet, and to the point. Yvonne strongly gripped the drink in her hand, nervous energy pulsing all around her. Suddenly, a sweaty guy stammered her way. His words were slurred and the smell of alcohol hung from his breath. “Hey baby girl… Come. Come dance with me,” he managed to get out. His eyes were blood-shot and his clothes were drenched in sweat and droplets of whatever drink he had been downing the whole night. She backed up, trying to escape the strong smell of his breath and create more distance between them. “Don’t be a moody little girl, come dance with me,” he said again. He grabbed her hand and yanked it as hard as he could; the drink sludged out the side of the glass she was holding and spilled down her arm.
T, with his 6”2’ muscular body frame stood right over the guy. “You have all of two seconds or when I finish this sentence to get your hands off her, whichever one comes first,” he boomed. The sweaty alcohol sleaze-ball quickly let go of Yvonne’s hand and scurried back off on the dance floor for his next victim. Yvonne rubbed her wrist, totally caught off guard by the situation that had just occurred. She looked up at him, watching the vein in his neck relax as he took another sip of his beer. His demeanor went straight back to cool and calm as he leaned back on the bar and looked at her. “Thanks,” she said. Unsure of what else she could to say to him in a situation like this.
“No problem,” he said smiling. Nadine started texting on her phone, obviously trying to see where her boyfriend was. Before Yvonne could stop her, she was off into the crowd, pushing and looking out for him. Yvonne was left there with someone she didn’t know at all, with not much to say or do other than refrain from acting like a little teenager with a crush. She tried her best to gain her composure, working out the best thing to say in her head.
She stood on her toes and tried her best to make her voice clear enough. “Nice to meet you,” she said with her hand out-stretched. “Yvonne.” He grabbed her hand and put his phone in it. She was confused and didn’t necessarily know what he was doing. “Nice to meet you too, Yvonne. I’m about to head out. Put your number in my phone and I will hit you up if you ever want to chill.” He flashed his winning smile again and she did her best to contain her excitement. He was actually interested in hanging out with her! She finally remained calm enough to meet a guy and not blow it within the first five minutes. She put her number in his phone and added her name.
“Stay safe from the creeps,” he said with a laugh. She smiled and waved as he walked away.
Yvonne searched through the crowd for Nadine and found her dancing with her boy toy, Trey. Nadine was grinding against Trey and Yvonne didn’t want to interrupt. She pushed her way through the crowd to the back bar and sat there drinking water, sobering herself up before the night ended. She was marveling in the time she had to herself. Time went on for what seemed like hours before she finally was ready to go. The club was clearing out and she felt like she didn’t do much in the night. After a while, she got up from her bar stool and trudged to the dance floor. A few of Nadine’s friends had joined them on the dance floor and since she had met some of them before at house parties, she joined them in dancing. She moved her body to the beat, letting the music flow through her. She felt someone come behind her and dance with her to the beat. She turned around and looked up into the face of T.
“Hey! You’re back,” she exclaimed.
“I had to drop off a drunk friend of mine, but I couldn’t go home tonight without dancing with you.”
Yvonne blushed, soaking up the attention that T was giving her. She dance with him for a few songs before summoning up the guts to say, “what are you doing for the rest of the night.”
“Few more drinks and chillin’ with you?” He questioned, knowing the answer before she even spoke. She nodded her head, quickly contemplating her answer, but she too knew the answer before she spoke. Nadine was too busy damn near having sex on the dance floor with Trey to notice anything that was going on.
Yvonne nudged her friend in the arm. Nadine turned, looking at Yvonne and noticing who was back. She smiled and winked, showing that she got the hint. Yvonne turned to T.
“Ready to go?” she said.
“Whenever you are,” smoothness dripping off his voice. He held her on her hips as he led her to his car. He opened the door for her, showing her that chivalry was not dead. As she got in the car, she put on her seatbelt and watched T through the mirrors. She couldn’t believe that she was doing this, but just watching him move, she had butterflies all over. He got in the car and drove fast through the streets, until he arrived at a small house at the end of a dark street. She could make out in the dark the old brown brick, resembling homes that she would see in history lessons at school. He parked in the cracked paved driveway and walked around to her side of the car and opened the door. She grabbed her wristlet and her phone and hopped out of his silver Chevy Impala. She was surely impressed with the shiny 24” rims that she was almost sure that Shaun would marvel at. They walked in silence to the front door and as he fumbled for his keys.
As soon as he opened the door, the smell of weed hit her nostrils and she instantly knew why T seemed to have such a nice car. But, for some reason, it didn’t scare her away. He led her to the couch and turned on some Hip Hop music, the heavy bass hiding the pounding of her own heart. She sat down on the couch and tried to act cool, calm and collective. He went to the fridge, grabbed two beers and sat next to her, handing her own.
“So, Yvonne. Tell me about yourself.”
She wasn’t used to someone actually wanting to get to know her, but to be honest, she knew she wasn’t too interesting of a person to talk about.
“I’m 21. I don’t really do anything fun, I mean I’m still in school and all.” She felt ashamed as she spoke, but he laughed and said, “Don’t feel bad about that, school ain’t bad. Some people are good at it and some people like me just aren’t. Doesn’t mean anything.”
She laughed, she liked him already. He didn’t make her feel ashamed for being a boring or for working hard in school.
“What do you do T?” She asked him. Changing the subject to him because frankly, she wanted to listen to him talk.
“Like I said, school wasn’t for me so I run a very profitable business,” he laughed and continued on. “Some call it a drug dealer, but I think of it as a like a street pharmacy. But for real, I’m not too sure what I want to do yet. I want to be an entrepreneur and have a few businesses in my future, but I don’t know in what yet.”
She chuckled at some of his statements and told him about the business her family was in. “Maybe if you start off at an internship somewhere, you’ll eventually get a job. But without school, working your way up in a business is the only way.” He nodded his head as if he were thinking about it.
“Enough of the future talk,” he said. “Relax yourself, I’ll be right back.” As he walked to a hallway in the back of the house, Yvonne looked around the house. The kitchen was a little old, the white cabinets with tan lining looked like a 1970’s farm home. The living room wasn’t much, but T had a huge 56” TV and a small table for it to sit on. The house had no decorations or anything to make it seem homey, but she could tell that he probably wasn’t the kind of guy to hang pictures up. She called to him, “you live here alone?”
She could hear him in the distance. “No, my homeboy and I live here. We rented the place, it was real cheap monthly.” She nodded her head though he couldn’t see her and a couple minutes later he walked out with sweat pants on. He sat back down next to her and leaned over. Her heart started to race and she closed her eyes and leaned toward him. They started to kiss and she felt so comfortable. She had kissed a few guys in her past, but never made-out with any. He touched her face, so softly and she felt at ease. She knew she just met him that night, but everything felt right.
After a few minutes of kissing, she began to lift her shirt. She didn’t know why, but she felt like maybe that’s what T wanted and for once she wasn’t going to play it safe. T pulled back and looked at her.
“What are you doing,” he asked.
She was confused and didn't know what to say. “Um, don’t you want…” She stammered, trying to make sense of what he was asking.
“No. No. No. Of course I want you, but it’s the first night. Don’t think you’re obligated to do anything. We can take this slow, when you’re ready, we can do whatever. But for now, just take it easy.”
She felt embarrassed, but at the same still she felt good about herself. He was being a gentleman and it was totally not something she expected. She guessed that she judged him too quick and was grateful to go at her own pace. I guess I was wrong about how guys were, she thought. For the rest of the night, they made out, drank, and talked. She felt like conversation flowed easy between the two of them; they continued their conversation about what they wanted to do in life and by the end of the night she was sad she had to go. T, which she soon found out his name was Tim through their talk, drove her home and walked her to her front door.
“Have a good night Yvonne,” he whispered bending down and giving her a soft kiss on her lips.
“You too Tim,” she uttered still marveling at the events of the night.
“Call me sometime,” he said as he walked back to his car. Yvonne put her key in the door and quietly strolled inside. As Tim drove away, she locked the door and watched him out her room window. She fell asleep that night with a smile on her face.
For a few months, Tim and Yvonne were inseparable. Any time she wasn’t working, she was at his house and she started to grow far apart from Shaun. She felt bad about it, but at the same time she was finally breaking out her shell and hanging out with people her age. It was about time that Shaun did the same at school too and he seemed to be doing well with making friends himself. Chris was his best friend and she knew that Shaun and him were best friends and would make the best of their time in school. Little did she know at the time that everything was about to change.
Tim started to get angry all the time. Whenever she went to school, he would show up and expect her to leave class right then and there. They argued about everything and when she didn’t do something the way he wanted, he would grab her arm as hard as he could. She wasn’t afraid that he would hit her, she was just afraid of how he handled his anger and that he would leave her one day. Things definitely got worse the longer she waited to have sex with him.
One night when she went to the club with him, she saw him dancing on another girl. Her instant reaction was to get mad, but she was too afraid to go up to him right away. So, she stayed at the bar with a friend until it was time to leave. She checked on the dance floor after about 30 minutes and she couldn’t see him. Towards the end of the night, he showed up next to her at the bar and whispered to her, “get up, it’s time to go.” She immediately got up and when they got in the car, she mentioned to him that she didn’t like the way he was dancing on some girl. Tim didn’t respond, but when the street lights shined in the car, she saw red marks on his neck. His lips were swollen and his shirt was askew.
“Tim, where were you? I looked for you at one point tonight and you were gone. Where did you go?”
Tim’s grip on the wheel got tighter and she could tell that he was already getting angry; and she wasn’t even the one guilty of something. They sat in silence for a while and instead of turning on the street that would lead to her house, he kept driving.
“Tim, I don’t want to go to your house tonight. I just want to go home.” Tim didn’t answer, he just kept driving. When they got to his house, he opened his front door and lead her in. He pushed her lightly on the couch and got on top of her and started kissing her. She moved her head, but he held her face steady and he pushed his tongue in fiercely. Tim was nearly twice her size and nothing she did was working to getting him off. She struggled, she pushed, and she wiggled, but none of it worked.
His hot breath smelled of alcohol, his hands restraining hers. “STOP RESISTING!” he shouted, “If you finally have sex with me then I wouldn’t have to try and find it elsewhere.” The answer to her questions in the car were right there. He was no longer happy waiting, he was no longer putting on the facade that he did in the beginning. She had fell in love with him and now, after telling her he loved her too, he was going to try and take what he wanted all along. And he may have already cheated on her many times, she knew that from the funny way he had been acting lately and the seeing how he acted at the club that night.
She resisted all she could, but at the end of the night, she lay in bed sore and exhausted and she silently cried herself to sleep. Tim was snoring next to her and every time she tried to move, he’d wake up, pull her closer possessively and fall back asleep. She didn’t know what to do and after a while, she started making excuses for him. He was just drunk. He loves me and was tired of waiting for me. He would never hurt me. The excuses crushed her self-esteem and many nights when he would disappear, she would blame herself. I haven’t been attractive lately. Or, I’m not as good at this since I’ve never done it before, I’m probably the problem here.
Things got worse and she tried to build enough power to get away from him. She demanded change from him, but it never happened. He had been acting very sketchy, and his phone was always ringing from text messages of people she never heard of before.
For months after, she would catch him texting girls and at one time she saw a text that read, “It was good tonight with you in my bed :).” She automatically started to feel worthless, but she knew that he loved her and figured something was more wrong with herself than anything. He was obviously running to other girls for satisfaction.
